He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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