How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
