May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
