Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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