I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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