sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
