this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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