Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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