You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
