A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's Friday. Sex?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
