you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
