You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
