We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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