I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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