I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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