I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
