I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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