as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
