one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
