I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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