so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's always time for handjobs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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