im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Randomize
