I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
