Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
