apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
