You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
