I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize