non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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