we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i now understand why vodka
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
