someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
