So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
