Who did Billy Mays play for?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
