i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize