Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
