I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
id be glad to
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
