i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
