It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
