It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
