Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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