you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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