so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
