lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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