Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
