he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
