I smell stomach acid.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
