The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize