I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
