Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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