So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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