Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
