There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
a search helicopter?!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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