ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
