cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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