sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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