If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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